Gilmore Girls Funny Screencaps: Self-help

LORELAI: Hey Luke? Are you comfortable right here or do you wanna go upstairs?
LUKE: Mmh-mmh.

LORELAI: You know, with "being comfortable" I meant "Do you want me to jump you right here or upstairs?"
LUKE: Mmh-mmh.

LORELAI: Hey Luke? I think big Luke down there wants to play!
LUKE: Mmh-mmh.

LORELAI: Great, now not even talking about big Luke works. I gotta call Rory.

LORELAI: Luke doesn´t want to sleep with me. That never before happened, I don´t know what to do. Usually he rips off my clothes when I only look at him and now nothing.

RORY: Eww Mom, too much information.

LORELAI: But I´m desperate! You have to help me.
LUKE (thinking): If I manage to reach out a little bit further, I can touch Lorelai´s butt. Damn, I´m so tired.

LUKE (thinking): Maybe next time. She has a nice butt though. Must sleep now...

LORELAI: We didn´t have sex for 24 hours. 24 hours! He´s been tired all day long, I don´t know what´s wrong.

RORY: 24 hours? Wow, that´s pretty serious. Did you already try the massage thing?

LORELAI: Did I try the massage thing? Hello! Did you forget who first told you about the massage thing?

RORY: Ooh, I know how I can help you! Remember when Paris had that affair with Asher Flemming? Well, he was old and needed a little bit "cheering up" sometimes. Paris always gave him that special mexican food. We´ll bring you some of that tomorrow afternoon.

The next afternoon...

LORELAI: I´m so thankful you brought me this. Luke can eat that tonight after the town meeting and then bye-bye beauty sleep.

5 minutes later

LORELAI: Kirk, you didn´t eat the special food I asked you not to eat, right? Because it´s not in there and if you ate it, you better start running for your life now! I need that food!
KIRK: (saying) Nope. (thinking) Damn, those pants are suddenly tight. I knew I should have taken them one size larger.
PARIS: (thinking) I will not look under the table again, I will not look under the table again...

KIRK: That hurts so much. And today of all days Lulu is out of town, bummer.
PARIS: I´m not looking, I´m not looking...

That evening...

TAYLOR: We are here today to discuss a very serious problem. As you all know Kirk lives in Lorelai´s and Luke´s garage now for almost a year. And during that time he got used to hear Lorelai and Luke making love every night and every morning. He could almost set his clock by their activities. But since yesterday he´s missing this familiar sound.
KIRK: I need my routine.
TAYLOR: And today he was almost killed by some suspicious mexican food with stimulating effect.

LUKE: Hey, our love life is not the town´s business!

TAYLOR: It is if it effects other residents of the town. Luke, I suggest that after this meeting you join my self-help group for men with the same problem like you have.

LUKE: I was just tired one day! I don´t need your stupid group!

TAYLOR: I´ll see you at 8, young man.

LUKE: Fine, I´ll go. But I still can get big Luke like that without your help.

8.05 p.m.

TAYLOR: And now repeat it 5 times: I´m a stud, I can make my lady happy. I´m a stud...
LUKE (thinking): Great, now I´ll never be able to have sex again without hearing Taylor shouting this.
Gypsy: I´m a stud...wait, I guess the make-up class for car mechanics is probably in the next room then.

8.15 p.m.

KIRK: Faster Luke, you only have 10 more seconds!
LUKE: This is hard. Ok, I say right hand on right breast then.
OTHER GUY: Excellent, Luke. Now lets continue with the dummies for the other half of the body.

8.30 p.m.

TAYLOR: Not bad Luke, but you really should work on your acoustic performance. "That feels so good, Lorelai!" should be a tad louder.
LUKE: I can´t believe Kirk taped us having sex.

9 p.m.